That’s right, I am out of hospital and free from anorexia at last! I’ve been dealing with this thing for almost a year and I am so happy to be finally free from the chains it had bound me with!
I was so happy to be back home and I spent the past 2 days going out and breathing the scent of life in the world…feeling the sun, smelling the flowers, feeding the ducks in the park and being in my husbands arms all the while.
I went to visit my ballet classes today and they welcomed me with cake and a small party. I was so surprised and I am so grateful for their efforts - I teared up even. It’s such a fantastic feeling to see that people actually do care and are happy with me now that I have recovered.
I do have some health issues involving my liver - a side effect of having anorexia. All of my other health impairments have been dealt with in hospital already - like ulcers, anemia etc.
Personally, I am looking forward to a happy and healthy lifestyle now. My husband and I have talked about adopting…not in the near future though. ;) My life is starting to pick up now, and I am so glad…and so excited! This world is so full of opportunity I have no idea where to start!
But for now, I am keeping mindful of my ballet. Still keeping up with my flexibility and trying to regain the strength I had…That may take a while, but not too long. I was told that a year would be enough and I would dance like I used to in another year and a half. Oh I do hope so…
However, the one thing I missed most when I was stuck in hospital definitely has to be home.
Home is everything.
Yes it’s an apartment that I share with my partner and a fighting fish. Yes the rent is ridiculously overpriced…But it has the memories that I love. It makes me think of my partner. It makes me think of a place of safety. It makes me think of a happy life and a happy future. And that’s what I want.
With this post, I would love to say to everyone who ever calls themselves fat - anorexia is imminent if you choose a bulimic approach. Don’t go overboard. It’s ridiculous. I saw so many wonderful dancers deteriorate because they thought a dancer had to be a bundle of sticks tied together with string. They’re not!
And I honestly hate when everyone calls a ballet dancer anorexic…it’s just lean muscle. I’m sure that a vast majority don’t throw up their daily lettuce leaf…
I know that when I danced I ate almost as much as my then-boyfriend-now-husband who is in the army! And I was always stick thin - it’s a natural thing. I mean…we dance 5 hours or more a day 5-7 days a week…that’s an INTENSE work out. OF COURSE dancers are meant to be thin.
So if it wasn’t ballet, why did I become anorexic? I have a life too outside of that. I don’t want to talk too much about my personal life, but I spiraled into depression that was brought on by a string of abuse, violation, being used and cyber bullying.
Before anorexia I attempted suicide, many times. So much so that anorexia became my only choice to kill myself because I thought - “No one can force me to eat.” And I was right. And of course no one noticed because it was happening slowly before their eyes.
The first person to notice was my ballet teacher. He forced me to quit because no dancer is fit to dance if they starve. The second was my partner - during a night of passion when my clothes came off he ended it there and we argued. In my mind it was because he thought I was ugly. In his mind he could see I was doing something very wrong to myself.
And what do you achieve with anorexia? Nothing. Death? Yes. Long, painful times in hospital? Definitely. More injury than benefit? Yes. Anything worthwhile? No.
And take this from someone who has been there. If you want to look ugly and have your body become useless in everything - walking included (how can you dance if you have anorexia?!), then go for it. Set yourself on a path of complete self-destruction.
Being anorexic is like being a suicide bomber - it’s pointless, useless, does nothing for you except kill you in the end and hurt a lot of people around you. If you manage to survive, you would realise how stupid the idea was and wish you never did it because the recovery is long and painful.